Subject: NO ONE KNOWS MY PAIN...
Date: Thu, 25 Dec 2008 04:26:48 -0800

No one knows what it's like to sit in a bathtub with someone who is suppose to love you and give you a pink rag to play with while they molest you. No one knows what it's like to have an eight year older brother night after night in your bed molesting you. So that you begin to pee in the bed for 11 years as a defense mechnism. No one knows what it's like to be raised by two raging alcoholics. Vomit everywhere. Screaming and yelling on a daily basis. Food being smashed in your face as often as sees fit. Being called mean, fussy, and ugly on a daily basis. Beaten on a daily basis until one is bleeding. Watching your siblings endure the same physical violence. Violence that should land one in jail for life. Spiritual abuse whereby one is taken to church every Sunday, yet never given a Bible just constantly told they are going to hell. And never told how to get to heaven. No way out! No one knows what it's like to go to school from kindergarden straight threw college and be teased, taunted and slapped around. And, when you take the issues to mom and dad, they say, "It's your fault the kids hate you." No one knows what it's like to go through three severely abusive male relationships whereby one is physically, emotionally, and sexually abused on a daily basis. No one knows how one feels to take there childhood sexual abuse to the streets. Being a whore for men to use all over again. To be abused as a prostitute. To dance in a strip bar for money. To do pornagraphy for money and daily entertainment. No one knows what the memories of having men as a major part of the abuse in their life. No one knows what it's like to be ostricized by the church because you are different. You are so disturbed that the word of God sends you on a hallucinating journey and delusional journey to freedom from it all. No one knows what it's like to want to die from a little child to end all the pain. No one knows what it's like to have no friends and when you do get some if they don't reject you, you reject them because rejection has become you. You have become a rejection junkie. No one knows what it's like to have a college education, yet be slow at the same time. Unable to count money or change. Unable to run any type of financial issues. No one knows what it's like to be diagnosed schizophrenic because of all the rejection one has experienced. No one knows what it's like to live a life in and out of mental hospitals. No one knows what it's like to have electric shock treatment to erase the memories of the past only for them to surface more vividly three months later. Leaving one more suicidal then three months prior. No one knows what it's like to want to die daily. Just end it all. No one knows what it's like to have parents send you a Christmas card and not sign it. No one knows what it's like to have parents throw your belongings out onto a oil filled drive-way because they hate you. Leaving you unable to attend Clark Atlanta University Masters Program. Destroying your future. No one knows what it's like to have a beautiful baby girl by a Pimp who raped, used and abused you. But, you had the baby because one prior abortion was all your mind could handle at age 18. No one knows what it's like to be bashed over the pulpit of a church that you love, sitting head down thinking only of death for true freedom. While the entire congregation sit and laugh. Until you run out with your six month old child in your arms barely able to hold your composure. No one knows what it's like to return with a heart of forgiveness only for it to continue to happen again and again and again. But, since rejection is your name you take it and take it and take it. Waiting for God to tell them to stop. But, no one stops. It gets worse and worse and worse. You have given your heart to this church, your 10% tithes faithfully, your time in many ministries only to be ostricized by the entire congregation. No one knows what it's like to live a life with no friends or family because no one likes you only because you are scared to the bone. All which began when you entered this evil world. You get saved at age 18 looking for peace, yet peace on earth seems even further away. You spend six years of your life as a compulsive shoplifter, spending most of your time in Christian Bookstores looking for answers in stolen Bibles and books. Just disturbed. Just disturbed. No one cares. Yet, everybody knows. People look at you like you are evil, but you are only a disturbed individual from a life of abuse. No one wants to be your friend. No one wants to admit that you are part of their family. Only because you are scared. You live to die. You think it all will end but the only end to this is death. Freedom will come when you get to heaven. "For the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with what shall reign in heaven." You know that it is coming soon, real soon, but you would rather speed up the process by killing yourself. Only because the Bible says you cannot out sin the Grace of God if you are saved. So, what do you have to lose. Nothing at all. Family, they hate you. Friends, don't have any of them, people, they don't like you. Husband and children, they would be better off without a schizo in the house. Church, well that has become a dead in. Know one knows what it's like to be Madlyne Monica Barnes Bobo. Trapped in a world of pain. Severe pain... If you feel I need to forgive, then set the example of forgiving me first! Home was the foundation that molded me. The molestation, the alcoholism, the spiritual abuse, the emotional abuse. I was beaten until I was 23. Not realizing that, Madlyne was a women and not a child anymore. Food smashed in my face by a mother who suppose to love her daughter. Just abuse, abuse, abuse is my name. Yes, I am split. I both love and hate. I am both good and evil. Teedy and Albert, you taught me well. You taught me how to love men that would treat me just like you did. I hate you for it. Yet, I love you because that is what my God tells me to do. "For love covers a multitude of sin." Sin that is so great that one needs to be sitting in jail rotting to death. Where was family when all this was taking place. Didn't you all see a withdrawn child who you knew needed to be rescued. Where were you? You left me to die. How could you? You knew. I know you did. Everybody knew Teedy and Albert. Wasn't I more important. Didn't you see my fears, my tears, my pain. You had to, yet you stood by and watched. You are just as guilty. Now I live a life of a schizo unable to get out of bondage. I want to be set free. So, if you want to do anything for me now, pray that I don't go through with killing myself. Because I have the potential, but I have not yet the guts. No one knows my pain,Madlyne Monica Barnes Bobo